How to Stop Traveling in Deadland

Are you experiencing an energetic bleed?

Do you need something from someone that they seem unwilling to give, or can no longer give, but you need it so much that you keep pursuing it?  Banging your head on that brick wall?

Your attention to this aspect of the relationship, specifically, your attachment to it, is what keeps the energetic bleed going.

It is the dark side of honor. 

It looks like responsibility, guilt, regret, and sacrifice.

It’s full-body immersion in the Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda’s.

It’s considering yourself unworthy of freedom.

It’s like an energetic umbilical cord that has been established with one (or both) of our parents.  They really didn’t mean to do it, but like a child latching on to nurse, they also latched onto you.  It was so slick and anesthetizing that you were lulled to sleep hearing it. 

As a child, it became part of the way you related to that parent.  As a parent, it became the way you related to that child – the energy behind the thoughts with which you spoke the words that defined who they are to you.

Consider the way you view your parents.  If I were to ask you, Which is the parent with which you have the most unfinished business? One will come to mind.

Sometimes it is the one you are closest to, sometimes it is the one with whom you have the most conflict.  Sometimes it’s the absent one.  Sometimes it’s the dead one.

Our parents teach us many things.  Some are an example of what to do.  Some are an example of what not to do.  Some offer us both.  As I shared in Saving Your Own Life:  Learning to Live Like You Are Dying, the lessons learned from our parents who are still with us have a distinct challenge attached to them.  It is different if your parents are deceased. 

It was through the dead ones that I’ve learned the most.  It is through the death of a parent that I learned the most about my ancestral legacy of dysfunction and how to extricate myself from it.  This is where I learned the difference between attachment and love. This is where I learned how to stop traveling in Deadland.


Healing from the death of a parent, or the loss of any of our Greatest Teachers – be it a parent, sibling, life partner, child, friend…or a beloved animal…is deeply personal to you.  You are a unique person and must deal with their death in your own way, on your own time. 

I healed in my own way and continue to do so each time that I experience a death.  The words I share here are the result of many years of contemplative healing work combined with a deep willingness to move on with my life. 

Wisdom is the benefit of perspective.  Take the time you need to recover your energy and return to the land of the living. If your grief is too fresh, or if it runs too deep for you to consider what I am about to share, simply move on. 

All is well. This work will wait.

One candle lighting another candle takes nothing away from the first.  It serves to make the whole room brighter.

Sometimes death can sever the energetic connection.  Sometimes not.

How willing are you to let your beloved go?

Are you clinging to memories that describe death as reality?

How willing are you to follow them into Deadland?

Grief is not the only way to maintain your connection.  Healing happens when you consciously sever the grief connection – let them go to where they naturally will go – wherever their death takes them.  The part that scares you is that it is nowhere you can imagine.

Can you live with that?

Consider your connection to your parent as an energetic umbilical cord that attaches you to them.  I think of the connection being belly button to belly button.  Once you symbolically sever the cord, your energy returns to healthy levels.  You don’t forget them, but when you do think of them you can do so without the burden of grief. 

We describe this as healing.

Healing happens when you let go of who they were in life and allow their memory to become present in you as simple energy.  Their spirit becomes blended with yours to the degree to which you can release your grief. 


You begin, as early as possible for you, by focusing on celebrating their life.  It’s a very different feeling from mourning their death.  The difference must be experienced. 

The philosophy…changing your first story

When you think of that parent what is the first thing that comes to mind?

What is the first story that you tell when you start to talk about your parent?  Do you immediately establish the circumstances of their death to set up the story?

What do you share on FB at every holiday, birthday, and anniversary? 

How much you miss that dead person? or,

Do you share one of the gifts they gave you…the gifts that helped to shape the person you’ve become…as a celebration of your connection that transcends the barrier of death?

By your story, you declare what you value the most.  You declare what is real for you.

You live your truth.

Letting go of grieving doesn’t mean you will stop missing them…but you can always choose to celebrate their life instead of mourning their death.

Consider this:  Your parent lived a lot longer than the time it took them to die.  If every time you think of that parent, your mind goes to the circumstances of their death, and you are sad all over again…what is it that you value the most?  Results don’t lie.

Is there life after grief?  You decide.

The lump in your throat.  The tightness in your chest.  The sick feeling in your stomach.  The chronic fatigue you feel in your body…is your body communicating with you…this needs your attention…you are stuck here.   You need to address this “grief dam” that feels so tight and tense.

Aren’t you already so attached to their death that you can’t get it out of your mind?  Doesn’t it hurt enough?

When will enough be enough?

Grief distorts our life force and perception.  We act as if the distortions are true.

Let your Constant Traveler lead…

Your Constant Traveler, the most honorable and compassionate part of you that you can possibly imagine, acknowledges your pain by showing you where you are stuck, teaching you how to observe it, and guiding you to let it go.

Your Constant Traveler is your personal conduit to your source of wisdom.  It is the part of you that understands the value of experience.  It is the voice of love. It teaches you how to fully engage your honor and your compassion in your healing. 

It is the aspect of you that is designed to go with the flow, to open your mind, to open your heart – to clear the energies of sadness, anger, grief, and regret so you can move on with ease and elegance.

Your Constant Traveler becomes activated from the moment you choose to simply say Okay, I’ll do it.  I’ll share my celebration of my parent’s life and remain silent about the circumstances of their death.

Can you acknowledge that the only way beyond is through?  You must believe this is true for you.  You must believe there is a beyond to reach now, not sometime in the future.  You don’t have to wait until you die so see what lies beyond death.

When will you sever the energetic bleed (your focus on grieving) and allow their spirit to be free…free to blend with your own?

Leave the dead to bury the dead by focusing on celebrating the life you shared, or, if the connection was negative, the lessons you’ve learned that made you more honorable, compassionate…and elegant.

Being willing to shift what you share is so much more powerful than trying to use willpower to keep mourning alive.  This shift must be experienced to be believed.

‘tis life…

Everyone’s mom, dad, sister, brother…dies.  Everyone’s child dies.  ‘tis life, right?  When it’s their turn it won’t be your choice.

How can you allow nature to take its course within you?

This frees you from the conditions of your parent’s love, and from your own.

You must step out of the way of your own healing to feel what lies beyond it.

Nature reveals the dark night of the soul as a journey we all must take.  This is the nature of nature…but nature also reveals itself in a new perspective…the dawning of a bright new day.

Mourning, like darkness, gets resolved in the light of morning.

Demonstrate your non-resistance, as best you can, by opening the blind just a crack – begin to celebrate their life! 

Feeling is healing…

It’s natural to cry.  There are many, many applications for tears…as many as you can possibly imagine.

Bitter tears are very different from sweet honoring tears.

Heartbroken tears are very different from heartfelt tears.

Despairing tears are very different from repairing tears.

Tears have a healing purpose – they wash away pain.

A suggestion…

Begin preparing for this process now, before life brings you an event that you aren’t prepared to handle…to any degree.

Learning to live like you are dying is learning to let go, to diffuse your fear of death as much as humanly possible.  Letting go of your fear of death saves your energy for the good stuff.  Best life stuff.

Saving your own life is conserving and preserving your energy so you can truly live.  It is widening your perspective – the aperture of your lens – to let in more light.

Celebrate life!  I guarantee you it will feel lighter than mourning death.

Follow these light, morning thoughts.  Let them lead you beyond grief.

If you find value in this post, please share it.

Check out An Elegant Mind’s Handbook for more deep-dive ideas. And here’s
a gift for you…if you purchase the book, I invite you to contact me on my
website and let me know that you have
purchased it. I will send you SKY MIND, a free guided meditation that I created
to get you in the Contemplative Writing mindset!


Published by Paula D. Tozer

I am a writer, poet and singer/songwriter. I am a Toastmaster, motivational speaker, personal creativity coach, and workshop leader. My most sincere wish is to share my words with others, and that we both benefit from the exchange.

One thought on “How to Stop Traveling in Deadland

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